It may help to frame this as asking them to care for you in a different way. If withholding painful news has long been their way of protecting you, they may need reassurance that sharing it can also be an act of care.

Choose a calm moment, rather than waiting until someone is seriously ill or has died. You could say:

> “I know you’ve kept difficult news from me because you love me and don’t want me to worry. But being far away, finding out later makes me feel more alone and less able to support you. I’d like you to tell me when someone is ill or dies, even when it’s upsetting. You don’t have to make it easier for me before telling me.”

A few things can make that request easier for them to act on:

- **Ask for something specific.** “Please tell me when a relative goes into hospital or gets a serious diagnosis” is clearer than “You can talk to me about anything.” You can ask for a brief update first, with details later.
- **Ask what makes sharing difficult.** They may worry about upsetting you, disrupting your work, or leaving you feeling helpless at a distance. Understanding their concern gives you something concrete to address.
- **Make room for uncertainty.** Tell them they can say, “We don’t know much yet.” They needn’t wait until they have a full explanation.
- **Show that sharing is welcome.** When they do tell you something painful, try to begin with “Thank you for telling me,” rather than “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” You can discuss delays afterward. You don’t have to hide your sadness to prove you can handle the news.

With the distance and time difference, agree on a simple communication routine: a regular call with room to ask how they and their friends are doing, plus a way to share important news between calls. For example:

> “For news that can wait, send me a message and we’ll arrange a call. If someone has died or something urgent happens, it’s okay to call outside our usual time.”

Tell them explicitly whether waking you is okay; don’t leave them guessing.

You might also separate two conversations: **keeping you informed about other people’s illnesses and deaths**, and **talking about their own wishes as they get older**. The second may feel much more threatening and deserves its own time.

Expect this to take more than one conversation. A useful first goal is simply: “Next time something happens, please let me know.” Small experiences of telling you—and feeling supported afterward—may persuade them more than one big discussion.