**There is published work specifically on telling children about a parent’s suicide, but the evidence on *when* to disclose is limited.** I found no study establishing an optimal age, or demonstrating that waiting until 18 produces better outcomes. Specialist guidance generally favors truthful, developmentally appropriate explanations, with further discussion as children grow.

The distinction between research findings and clinical recommendations matters here.

**The research most relevant to your question**

- **Albert C. Cain (2002), *Children of Suicide: The Telling and the Knowing*.** This is the most directly relevant paper I found. Cain reviews the limited disclosure literature and draws primarily on clinical and preventive work. He questions an absolute requirement to tell every child the whole truth immediately. He also distinguishes being *told* from understanding what happened, and examines how the surviving parent’s explanation of *why* the suicide occurred affects the child. It provides expert analysis, but does not establish a best disclosure age through a controlled comparison. [Abstract and publication details](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12108137/).

- **Natalie C. Hung and Laura A. Rabin (2009), *Comprehending Childhood Bereavement by Parental Suicide*.** This review covers quantitative and qualitative research, including communication about the suicide, stigma, and the surviving parent’s functioning. It describes substantial methodological gaps. It is useful background for understanding the family circumstances that influence bereavement; it does not supply a validated age threshold for disclosure. [Abstract and publication details](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19798803/).

- **Julie Cerel and colleagues (1999), *Suicide-Bereaved Children and Adolescents: A Controlled Longitudinal Examination*.** Researchers followed 26 suicide-bereaved children aged 5–17 and compared them with 332 children bereaved by other parental deaths, over approximately two years. The suicide-bereaved group experienced more anxiety, anger and shame. **This comparison concerns the cause of death; it cannot establish whether early disclosure or delayed disclosure caused those outcomes.** [Study abstract](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10361784/).

Studies of children’s age **when a parent dies** also need to be distinguished from studies of their age **when they learn the cause**. They answer different questions.

**The advantages and disadvantages of timing**

The following considerations come from specialist clinical guidance. Their relative effects have not been quantified in a reliable early-versus-late disclosure comparison.

| Approach | Potential advantages | Potential difficulties |
|---|---|---|
| Early, age-appropriate disclosure | Gives the child a consistent explanation; provides opportunities to address self-blame; allows a trusted adult to explain before others do. | The information can be upsetting or misunderstood. Young children may need brief explanations repeated over time. |
| Waiting until the child is older | Greater maturity may help with understanding. A short delay can allow the caregiver to prepare and arrange support. | The child may learn elsewhere, develop frightening explanations, or later feel hurt about information being withheld. Waiting until adulthood has no established protective benefit. |

These considerations are described in the [National Child Traumatic Stress Network’s caregiver guide](https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources/fact-sheet/talking_to_your_child_about_a_suicide_death_.pdf) and [Winston’s Wish’s specialist suicide-bereavement booklet](https://winstonswish.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/ww-0195-BK-Beyond-The-Rough-Rock.pdf). Your concern about your eldest finding out at school is explicitly recognized in that guidance.

**How specialists recommend approaching disclosure**

The guidance treats disclosure as an ongoing conversation. Ireland’s Health Service Executive describes staged explanations whose timing depends on the child’s needs and family circumstances. It recommends preparing what to say, using simple language, and allowing questions to set the pace. [HSE guidance](https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/connecting-for-life/publications/talking%20with%20children%20about%20traumatic%20death.pdf).

The NCTSN recommends giving basic facts, returning to questions over time, explicitly addressing blame, and acknowledging uncertainty about why the person died. It also recommends explaining that mental health problems can be treated and that another family member’s suicide does not mean the child will die that way. These are clinical recommendations informed by bereavement research. [NCTSN guide](https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources/fact-sheet/talking_to_your_child_about_a_suicide_death_.pdf).

For your younger children, now approximately 13 and 11, the available guidance supports **planning a truthful conversation at their current level of understanding**. Winston’s Wish specifically addresses revisiting an earlier explanation and acknowledging why fuller information was withheld. Given the multiple suicides in your family and the ten-year interval, a clinician experienced in childhood suicide bereavement could help you prepare the conversation and follow-up support. The evidence supports that individualized approach; it cannot retrospectively establish that one particular disclosure age would have been best for your children.