**Make a specific request to be included in difficult family news, and explain what knowing allows you to do.** You can acknowledge their wish to protect you while telling them what you need now.

For example:

> “I know you’ve tried to spare me painful news because you care about me. I want you to tell me when someone in the family is seriously ill or has died. These people matter to me, and knowing gives me a chance to contact them, support you, and decide whether to visit. I may be upset, but I want to share that part of family life.”

If finding out late has hurt you, give one concrete example and describe its effect: “When I learned about Aunt Jane’s illness afterward, I felt left out, and I wished I’d had a chance to call her.” Keep the focus on what you want to happen next.

Then ask what makes telling you difficult:

> “What worries you about sharing this kind of news with me?”

Their answer may reveal a concern you can address—for example, that you’ll feel helpless so far away, lose sleep, or feel obliged to travel. Listen before offering reassurance. You can say, “You can tell me what’s happened, and I can decide what I’m able to do.”

A few practical steps may help:

- **Start with a particular person or event.** “How is Uncle David doing?” is a manageable opening. Follow with “How are you feeling about it?” if they seem willing.
- **Respond warmly when they share something.** “Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you called.” Let them see that telling you leads to connection.
- **Allow some sadness.** You don’t have to demonstrate that bad news leaves you untouched. “This is upsetting, and I’m glad I know” communicates both your feelings and your preference.
- **Return to the request gently.** A longstanding family habit may take several conversations to change. Hospice UK also recommends giving people time and allowing difficult conversations to happen in stages. [Talking about dying](https://www.hospiceuk.org/our-campaigns/dying-matters/dying-matters-awareness-week/talking-about-dying-tips)

For the distance, **make contact predictable and agree on how important news should reach you**:

1. Arrange a regular call at a time when everyone has privacy and enough time to talk.
2. Send a short message beforehand: “On Sunday, I’d like to talk about how we keep each other informed when someone is ill.”
3. Offer an asynchronous option: “If saying it on a call feels difficult, you can email or message me.”
4. Agree that urgent news can interrupt the usual schedule: “For a serious illness or death, please contact me as soon as you can. If I’m asleep, leave a message asking me to call.”

You can also be explicit about the value of sharing ordinary updates: “I’d like to hear how you’re coping, even when there’s nothing I can do from here.”

You can’t guarantee their openness. You can make your preference clear, make sharing easier, and show through your responses that you welcome their trust.